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Bonesplitter's Headache

Calvin the thug ushered Siegfried and the Trevelyan brothers through a concealed door in the chamber wall. “Galgath Shund’s lair—I mean, his office—is right around the corner,” he whispered, indicating a crypt-like corridor that headed north before making an abrupt easterly turn. The rectangular chamber had passageways that branched off like alcoves on either side. In the first antechamber there a finely-crafted bed, writing desk with chair and wardrobe occupying the space. A bookshelf filled with tomes, scrolls and other bits of parchment loomed near the writing desk. A series of tubes like the workings of a pipe organ ran along the chamber ceiling and collected together overhead to terminate in a row of small gasketed hatches on the wall just above the desk. Seated at the desk doing paperwork, seemingly heedless of the party’s intrusion, was a corpulent man dressed in rich, red robes with heavy gold jewelry dripping with gems at his neck, wrists, and fingers. His alabaster skin had a pale-grey cast, and scattered patches of thin, white hair stood out on his balding scalp. “You must be the fellow in charge of this small operation,” Siegfried ventured as he approached. The man continued to scratch away with a foot-tall black-feathered quill, muttering to himself under his breath as he wrote blood-red runes using ink from an inkwell, its opening like that of a festering wound. At last, he spoke. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” he said, his words dripping with poisonous honey. “Are the Gnawbones conducting guided tours now?” At Siegfried’s side, Calvin flinched. “Bonesplitter will hear of this intrusion, you numbskull,” the man continued, speaking over his shoulder. “Bonesplitter will soon be occupied filling a number of positions that became open suddenly,” Siegfried said. “We’re here looking for the Ettin Axe and are passing through on our way down to another appointment we must keep in Skullport today. If you were to show us the way to the axe we will quickly be out of the way without much more violence.” Galgath Shund turned and regarded Siegfried with malevolent eyes rimmed with red. “Oh, really?” he murmured. “Of course, if more violence is required, more violence can also be arranged,” Siegfried said with a smile. “Harrumph,” Shund harrumphed. Over Siegfried’s shoulder he said, “A moment before you strike, Barclay. My curiosity has been piqued.” He waved his feathered quill dismissively. From the shadowed alcove there was a grinding sound as a tall, broadly-built shield guardian leaned out into view, its impassive visored face looking down at the interlopers. “I’m curious,”Galgath repeated. Without looking he placed the feather quill in the bloody inkwell and waved a bejewelled hand at a second chair. Siegfried casually sat. The corpulent man leaned back, his swivel chair straining audibly. “You’ve told me what you seek, but you haven’t told me who you are and who you think you are walking into my office unannounced.” Siegfried’s keen eyes noticed atop the piles of paperwork on the man’s desk was a rather crumpled and folded copy of yesterday’s evening edition of the Waterdeep Wazoo. Siegfried unfolded the copy of the newspaper and held it up, showing the woodcut image of his testimony at the Lord’s Court. “Yes, Barron Cockaby does do a good likeness, doesn’t he?” The man’s red-rimmed eyes widened slightly. “Well, oh my.” He scanned the article. “And your first public act is to travel through the Dungeon of the Crypt? Interesting, very interesting.” Shund smiled, revealing a mouth of rotting teeth. “Well, I hope you find your surroundings to your liking, half-blood prince.” “Not half to my liking as the crypt upstairs,” Siegfried said. “We had a pleasant time murdering everything undead in sight.” “Well you know what they say, Waterdeep’s City of the Dead can be quite hazardous to the unwary,” Shund said. “Quite,” Siegfried said. “Now if you’re on your way to Skullport I’m afraid you’ve taken something of a wrong turn,” Shund said. “Well, it is quite imperative that we obtain the Ettin Axe along the way, and the clues led us here,” Siegfried replied. “I see,” Shund said. “And you think that you’ll just be picking up this Ettin Axe and walking away with it?” His eyes glittered. “I’m sure we’ll have to murder several people along the way, but such is war,” Siegfried said. “Of course, war can be either bad for business or good for business, depending on which line people place their business.” “This is quite true,” Shund said with a sigh. Siegfried took note of the odour of death and decay from the man’s exhalation. He gave the slightest glance Alec’s way. Alec nodded and activated his divine sense , getting a whiff of rank evil from the seated man. To his surprise, he also discovered that Galgath Shund, though a scintillating conversationalist, was also dead as a doornail. He was no vampire, however; nor lich, nor mummy. In fact, he was some manner of crypt spawn. “Hey Siegfried, what’s a crypt spawn?” Alec blurted out. “Alec, that sounds like an impolite question,” Siegfried said. He suddenly realized that the look in Shund’s eyes that the man had been trying to hide during their verbal sparring was an all-consuming fear of death and the grave. Shund chuckled, the sound like rotten meat sloughing wetly off the bone. “Your strapping, burly companion is quite perspective, Siegfried Alagondar. The idea of lichdom never sat quite rightly with me, honestly – who has the time for such pursuits? No, I wasn’t going to let anything as pedestrian as my own death get in the way of my life’s work. But I take no offense from your masculine man-at-arms there. Clearly, you hired him for his insightfulness as well as his strength. But I digress. You clearly have work to do, as I have my own work to do.” It sounded to Bob as though Galgath Shund may or may not have been subject to an undeath after death spell; ancient magic known only to the priesthoods of Bane and Cyric. “Cardiovascularly challenged is the word,” Siegfried said. “Differently alive?” “I planned ahead,” Shund said. “Now, it is good that you came to me first.” While Shund spoke, Bob noticed that among the dead man’s jewelry was a pin that marked him as the Arcane Brotherhood, a wizard’s guild based in Luskan. The party had tangled with a member of the Arcane Brotherhood, Gallio Elibro, in Leilon, who was there at the command of Valindra Shadowmantle. Also among the Brotherhood’s membership was Kavatos Stormeye, Dagult Neverember’s spymaster and court mage. Both the Harpers and the Order of the Gauntlet considered the Arcane Brotherhood to be enemies. Siegfried placed Azuredge on his lap. Galgath raised an eyebrow and ran a hand along a staff that was leaning against the writing desk. It had what looked like an enchanted toroid affixed to its business end. “No need for that,” Siegfried said with a hint of warning. “Then I believe we are beginning to understand one another,” Shund replied. “I will say that the Lord of this Dungeon of the Crypt does keep a collection of trophies and artifacts and other collected items of interest under a rather impressive lock and key. But perhaps there is a way for both of us to get what we want out of this exchange. What do you say?” “I suppose we can let you lock up behind us after we get what we want,” Siegfried said. “Perhaps it would be better if you knew who you were dealing with,” Shund said. “Tell me, have you heard of the Baron of Blood?” Halfway across the dungeon, Varien felt a chill. Siegfried nodded. “The Bloody Baron, of course.” “He is known by many names,” Shund said, “but most famously Artor Morlin. He is no man, but a vampire lord. One of the few vampires of Waterdeep, unofficially of course.” “Oh yes, I believe he owes me money,” Siegfried said. Shund flashed his rotting teeth again. “I very much doubt that, but I suppose it’s possible that one of his many subsidiaries has found itself indebted to you.” “Maybe I owe him money?” Siegfried mused. “Quite,” Shund said. “Much like me, The Baron of Blood gets a percentage of everything that is moved through this Crypt. Cost of doing business, you see.” Siegfried recalled that Artor Morlin had supposedly been banished from Waterdeep more than a century ago by the Company of Crazed Venturers, who counted among their membership such luminaries as Khelben “Blackstaff” Arunsun and Nain Keenwhistler. Siegfried turned to Calvin. “Now, is Artor Morlin your Bonebreaker?” Shund chuckled. “That question’s far above this young thug’s pay grade, Siegfried.” “Who?” Calvin asked. “No,” he shook his head. “Bonesplitter’s no Baron, I can tell you that much.” “Is Bonesplitter a vampire?” Siegfried asked. Calvin scratched his head. “Well, he’s as likely to bite a chunk off you as he is to talk to you, but he’s no bloodsucker.” “Sorry, did you say he’ll take a bite out of you?” Siegfried asked, alarmed. “If he doesn’t like you, he’ll use anything at his disposal,” Calvin said. “I once saw him bite the head off a noble, but nah, he’s no vampire.” “Calvin here has inadvertently raised an amusing point,” Shund said with a smile. “You’re one of the few members of the nobility who has ventured into the Dungeon of the Crypt under his own will, Siegfried.” He chuckled darkly. “Interesting.” “Normally, when an aristocrat comes downstairs, it’s because they’ve been called by the people who actually get stuff done,” Siegfried said. “I happen to be one of those aristocrats who prefers to get stuff done.” “Bonesplitter is a serial kidnapper, and a brute at that,” Shund said. “So yes, most of the nobles who come down here do not do so under his own power.” “Bonesplitter’s one of those types who collect young girls for the right seller, then?” Siegfried asked. “Girls, boys, men, women, you know how his ilk works,” Shund said dismissively. “You need to stash someone somewhere while you work out the ransom details, and Bonesplitter arranges to put your quarry up in one of his chambers while those details are ironed out. And woe betide anyone whose loved ones stall or refuse to pay their ransom, believe you me.” “Well, sometimes you need to call a professional if you need to unburden yourself of a corpse.” Shund licked his lips. “Well, there are many ways to dispose of the dead,” he said. “But I’m getting ahead of myself.” “So, Bonesplitter’s less of a concern than Artor Morlin, who possessed all the shinies?” Siegfried asked. “Well, as I said, fortunate that you came to me first,” Shund said. “Perhaps young Calvin there’s a more enterprising thug than I give him credit for.” Calvin looked like he’d rather be exploring the Nine Hells than be in this room. “Calvin might end up as Bonesplitter’s sole employer by the end of the day,” Siegfried said. “Do consider taking him on as he’s been a jolly good sport about the whole thing.” Cavlin stifled a shrug. “So, back to the Baron of Blood,” Shund said. “He’s said to haunt these halls. At least part of them, anyways. As you can see, much of this dungeon is not up to its original standards. Though I do try to keep a clean house. But if you desire to treat with or otherwise put him out of my misery, I wouldn’t bat an eyelash.” Siegfried considered his options and resolved to sic Varien on the Vampire Lord while casting mind blank on himself. “All right, show us the way,” Siegfried said simply. Shund smiled and reached for his feathered quill.   In the southern section of the dungeon, Violance watched as the arcane ooze attempted to dissolve one of his boss’s companions. “Hey Varien,” Violance said to Varien. “This guy lied to you!” The nightmare cocked his head towards the thug standing next to the paladin. “Shall I eat him?” “I might be the kind of person to give a man a third chance,” Varien said, glaring at the thug. Violance turned to the liar. “Did you hear that? One more screw-up and you’re mine.” The thug turned pale and wilted visibly. Violance trotted forward and kicked at the arcane ooze with his hooves, stomping the creature out. The nightmare backpedaled and the ooze shot out a pseudopod, bashing Violance and leaving acid behind to eat into the fiendish horse’s flesh. “Stand back, you,” Varien said, pushing the thug out of the way. He then activated his mantle of flame and cast a bonfire atop the arcane ooze. The ooze appeared to absorb Varien’s magic and regain some of its strength. “What is this, some sort of arcane ooze?” Varien said aloud. In the northwestern part of the dungeon, the poisonous fog continued to spread silently through the corridors, passing through the ashen remains of the door that Varien had set on fire. “What’s that?” the thug beside Varien pointed. Varien turned to see a sickly yellow cloud of vapour approaching. “Is there another way around?” Varien asked. “Yeah, through the ooze!” the thug replied. Varien rolled his eyes. “ Another way around?” The thug threw up his hands in frustration. “Well, yeah, if you follow the way I was trying to go, thank you very much, and then take the east tunnel south until you hit the caverns, then double back west, you’ll find Bonesplitter’s lair. I don’t- I don’t know what that smoke is,” he faltered. “I don’t know what it is either!” Planetar-wen’s voice, muffled, said from beneath the ooze. Summoning his angelic strength, he burst free from the ooze, splattering bits of it on the walls and ceiling of the corridor. “You guys can take it from here!” He shouted majestically. He beat his wings and flew south as fast as his wings could take him. He found himself in a cavern, which sloped steeply down to the east. The ground was covered with solidly-packed rubble, likely the detritus of earlier excavations to the west. Scattered small depressions in the rubble suggested that sinkholes were an occasional hazard in this cavern. To Planetar-wen it smelled like the place was used by the crypt’s denizens as a refuse dump. “Marco!” Planetar-wen said telepathically to anyone within range. “Marco!” He continued to fly around through the cavern and found a tunnel leading north. It did not look like worked stone, rather a caved-in section of cavern.   Galgath Shund finished sketching out a map towards the Baron of Blood’s lair. “Of course, you didn’t get this from me,” he said, his voice dripping with syrup. “This will lead to the Great Hall via the most direct path. I think that you’ll be particularly interested in the hearth,” he continued. Siegfried thought that for all of Galgath’s honeyed language, he was an inveterate betrayer. At the same time, he wasn’t lying about the directions. He figured that from Galgath’s point of view, putting the party on the path to the Baron of Blood would be helpful to the undead wizard either way the confrontation concluded. Galgath tapped his drawing with a jagged fingernail. “I will caution you to be careful and watch your step in this chamber here. Do not disturb what you find there.” “All right,” Siegfried said. “And what’s this?” He pointed to a rectangular drawing on the map. “Ah, that is a pool, should you feel the need to go for a dip,” Galgath said with a foul smirk. Galgath rolled up the parchment and presented it to Siegfried, who accepted it. “Great,” Siegfried said. “All things being well, we shall not have to see each other again.” “Oh, I do hope that is true,” Galgath replied. “I do wish you the best of luck.” “Come then, Trevelyan brothers and Calvin,” Siegfried said. “We do have an adventure line to follow!” Calvin blanched. “What, me too?” “Come on, we’re off to see a vampire!” Siegfried said. “Great,” Calvin muttered. The party left via a secret door and passed through yet another unused storeroom, its floor covered in shattered bits of amphora and torn pieces of cloth. There was a door to the south, which they took.   The arcane ooze lurched forward to attack Violance. A pseudopod clocked the nightmare, who shook his head, neighed, and disengaged, moving away at top speed. Varien turned to the thug. “You really don’t want to tell me how you and your gang friends keep these oozes under control?” The thug sighed. “Well, fine. Magic ain’t great, but you can certainly smash them with something blunt, or stab them with something sharp.” Varien quick-cast haste on himself and transferred his sentinel shield to his main hand. “You got something heavy, friend?” The thug looked at the blunt pommel of his shortsword and shrugged. Varien found his old shield and handed it over to the thug. “Get to work, then!” He cast haste on the thug. The two men began laying a savage beating on the approaching ooze, splattering blobs of viscous liquid in all directions. Varien applied a radiant smite to his attacks, finishing the creature off in a flash of radiant energy. “Well, that worked!” The thug said. Varien grabbed the thug by the scruff of his collar and propelled him towards Bonesplitter’s lair. “Hey, where are you going with my snack?” Violance called out.
Alec opened the door, but found that it was stuck fast in its frame. He sighed and smacked the door again. The door cracked and opened to reveal Violance standing at the far southern end of the hallway. “Hey, Violance!” Alec called out. “Violance!” Siegfried shouted. “Find Varien and tell him we’ve found a vampire to kill!” Planetar-wen healed himself. The invisible angel squeezed through a narrow passageway and took note of a magically-concealed secret door nearby. The rectangular room had a single exit. The floor of the room was covered with hay and stank sharply of cat urine. A low-slung bed rested against the west wall. Planetar-wen rolled in the hay. “Finally, I smell of cat piss again.” He reached out to Varien telepathically. “You know, vampires suck.” “Where’s the vampire?” Varien replied. “Siegfried knows the way, apparently,” Planetar-wen replied. “Which bites.” Varien rolled his eyes. Bob and Alec moved down the corridor. Bob healed the injured nightmare as well as Planetar-wen. “Violance, may I request a ride?” Bob asked. Violance nodded. “Many thanks,” Bob replied. Siegfried led the party in an easterly direction. Entering a chamber, they saw a pool of inky black water dominating the long low-ceilinged room. A ring of one-foot-high blocks surrounded the pool. Water in the pool run over the blocks in splashing waves, only to drain away into regularly spaced openings in the floor. Along the western wall were two doors. To Bob’s eyes it looked like a foul inversion of the bathhouse at the Temple of Beauty. The walls were covered in dingy tiles. “This pool is gross,” Siegfried said to Calvin. “Use a brush or something.” He then dashed past the pool towards the exit.   “Bonesplitter’s this way,” the thug said to Varien, pointing to the western door. They entered. Varien smelled what could only be a privy to the south, a small alcove with a chute likely leading to parts of the crypt better left unexplored. A small, square wooden seat was placed over the stone box and looked very unappealing, covered with shards and splinters. The pair moved past and entered another corridor, which branched north and south, leading south towards an open cavern. Varien thought he could hear angry shouting coming from the northwest. Varien opened the sealed door. He could hear two very loud voices overlapping and echoing one another. “Intruders? What do you mean? Outrageous!” Varien’s thuggish companion led him through the door into a room full of debris, stacked crates, and a squad of thugs dressed in similar outfits. They turned to regard the newcomers. To the north was the source of the shouting. There was an antechamber to the north and Varien could make out a bellowing shadow moving about as it continued to rant and rave in stereo. “Uh, hey fellas,” the thug said to his comrades. “I brought somebody.” Then he called out. “Oi, Bonesplitter! I got one of your intruders right here! He wants to talk to you.” “What?” the voices said in unison from the northern chamber. Varien moved to the centre of the room and held out his arms, palms out, in a non-threatening manner. The ground shook as a large humanoid stomped out from the northern chamber. Bonesplitter was a tall, hulking bipedal creature with long and ungainly arms and legs covered in supple, almost rubbery, emerald-green scales. His arms ended in great five-fingered claws, and he had large wings folded in across his back. Bonesplitter’s two heads were shaved in covered in great tattoos resembling dragons’ heads. His two pairs of eyes, red like rubies, looked at Varien with avaricious hunger. The giant humanoid wore a necklace of severed heads around its nearly-nonexistent necks, and disturbingly, the heads were quietly talking to each other, discussing philosophy in hushed tones. In his claws he was holding a great flail that looked like it had been constructed from humanoid skulls of varying size and shape. Varien fought the urge to wrinkle his nose. To put it mildly, Bonesplitter reeked of unwashed funk. “You’re the one they call the Bonesplitter, then?” Varien asked. “Ah, you’ve heard of me!” Bonesplitter’s right head spoke. His left head spoke up. “You won’t be hearing much of anything soon.” Some sort of Ettin? Varien thought. But with draconic ancestry perhaps? “Are you picking up or dropping off?” Bonesplitter said. “I suppose you’re expecting me to do both,” Varien said. Bonesplitter’s heads looked at each other. “Huh?” they said in unison. “I hear you’re in charge around these parts.” Bonesplitter laughed. “That’s right,” his left head said. “You look real shiny. What’s a shiny man like you doing down here?” the right head said. “Hey!” the right head said. “We’re trying to do business here, so are you picking up or dropping off?” “I’ll cut to the chase, then,” Varien said. “If you answer my two questions as best you can I’ll help you the best as I can. I came from the Deepwinter Crypt. What do you know about that, and why is there a mural of a place called Lorelei up there?” Bonesplitter’s heads looked angrily confused. “What do I care about art unless I can sell it?” He chuckled. Varien didn’t think Bonesplitter’s operation was particularly well-helmed. “Okay,” he said. “What about something called the Ettin Axe. Do you know what or where that is?” “Ettin Axe?” Bonesplitter repeated in stereo. “What, do you think because I’m an Ettin that I automatically know everything about Ettins and axes?” “Don’t degrade yourself,” Varien said. “I ask because we were informed that an Ettin Axe could be located down here, and you must have heard of something so magical and powerful. Something like that wouldn’t be just under your nose without you knowing about it.” “Hey!” the left head said. “I get a piece of everything that comes through the Dungeon of the Crypt. Make no mistake.” “That’s true, that’s true,” the right head nodded emphatically. “So, where’s this axe then?” Varien asked. The two heads looked at one another, and then back at Varien, and then back to each other. “Sure, yeah, the Ettin Axe. What’s it worth to you?” “Name your price,” Varien replied. Bonesplitter’s eyes glittered greedily. “One thousand gold,” he said. “Show me a good honest Ettin Axe and I’ll show you a good honest 1,000 pieces of gold,” Varien said. “Hang on a sec,” the heads said. Bonesplitter turned about and their heads muttered to one another. Varien knew with certainty that the half-dragon Ettin was stalling until he could figure out whether Varien was actually carrying that much gold before trying to steal it from him. “If I could just interject, I’m worth more to you than 1,000 gold, if you’re trying to think about how to get the gold from me dishonestly, that might not be worth your time.” Bonesplitter turned. “So you’re giving yourself up for ransom?” The left head said. The right head broke into a smile. “This is the easiest score I’ve ever made!” “No, I’m offering you my services,” Varien said. “As a trade. Like I said, you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. I’d rather deal with carrots than sticks. You get my drift?” The right head nodded in understanding. It took the left head a few moments to catch up but then it joined in the nod. “For that kind of trade, it’s going to take more than a thousand,” Bonesplitter’s left head said. “A trade in services. I’ve got the Cryptkeeper’s Alliance to think about, after all.” “Hey!” His right head said. “Shut up about that!” “Believe me when I say, if the price is fair I’ll pay it,” Varien said. “The issue is, can you deliver.” “Deliver? For the right price, I’ll deliver, but you’ll have to put another zero on the end of that thousand, in gold and…treasure,” Bonesplitter said, drooling avariciously. “Okay,” Varien said, unfazed. Bonesplitter paced about in the room thoughtfully. He put one foot up on a nearby crate and leaned over to continue haggling, and Varien thought he heard a muffled squeak of distress from inside the box. Varien sighed. He turned back to the thug who had led him here. “Who’s in the crate?” he whispered. The thug shrugged. “Some muckity-muck from topside who crossed the wrong person, probably,” he replied. “I want to see half up front,” Bonesplitter was saying. Varien sighed. “I don’t have the liquid cash up front with me, but I think we’re going to need to revise this deal. You trade me whatever information you have regarding the Ettin Axe, and you release the prisoner from inside that box, and I won’t kill you. Does that sound like a fair deal?” Bonesplitter laughed in stereo. “You’re messing up an easy way to make ten grand,” Varien said. “Oh, this one?” Bonesplitter kicked at the box, sending it skittering across the room. “This one’s worth more than what you’re offering.” “Worth more than your life?” Varien asked. Bonesplitter’s two mouths smiled darkly. “You talked a good game, human.” ‘What’s it going to be?” Varien asked evenly. “What’s it going to be?” Bonesplitter’s left head repeated mockingly. The left head shook itself. “If you don’t have enough cash to cover my costs, I don’t know what we’re doing here.” “Yeah, I don’t know either,” Varien said. He quickened the destructive wave spell and slammed his weapon to the stone floor. A blast of thunder damage blew out in a ring from him, blasting the thugs. Varien’s thug companion had time to say “Wait, what? No!” before he was turned into bloody gobbets by the destructive wave that crashed through him and splattered his insides over his comrades, the walls and ceiling of the chamber. A ringing noise resonated through the room. Another thug dropped dead from the blast. Varien lashed out at Bonesplitter with Fiendsbane, slashing him and unleashing a divine smite that blasted him with radiant damage. The half-dragon Ettin managed to parry his second attack with a swing from his flail, but was rocked by a third strike and another smite. “Stand down, and let them go!” Varien said, brandishing his sword. Shakily, Bonesplitter steadied himself and glared at Varien twice-over. “Nobody, but nobody, messes with BONESPLITTER’S BOTTOM LINE!” he shouted. He swung with his oversized skull-headed flail. Varien blocked the crushing attack with his shield. Bonesplitter’s second strike caromed off Varien’s shield, but struck one of his dazed henchmen, smashing the man against the wall into a bloody paste. “Finish this clown off!” Bonesplitter shouted to his comrades. Then he ran out of the room as fast as he could. The remaining thugs painfully got to their feet. “Guys,” Varien said. “I took one step and exploded two of you. I then made you an offer of mercy. Choose your next actions very, very carefully.” The thugs looked at each other. “I don’t get paid enough for this,” one of them said weakly. “Yeah,” another thug said. “Screw Bonesplitter.” Varien glared at the remaining thugs. “These people better not be in those boxes by the time I get back,” he said. The thugs nodded enthusiastically. Varien charged after Bonesplitter. He spied spatters of draconic blood on the ground leading south and followed into the cavern. He thought it highly likely that Bonesplitter was attempting to hide in one of the many sinkholes. “Enough of this charade,” Varien said impatiently. There was a rumbling in the cavern. Something erupted from the ground in front of him. It was Bonesplitter, but Bonesplitter in the maw of an enormous creature that looked like an unholy amalgam of a carrion crawler and some sort of Underdark monstrosity. Prehensile tentacles sought out every available orifice in the half-dragon Ettin’s heads, which were shrieking in unison as the humanoid thug tried to free himself from the creature’s jaws. Bonesplitter thrashed about in the rubble as he was inexorably dragged into the sand and rock. “A mindcrawler!” Varien said, recognizing the hybrid illithid aberration. “Well, you’re as good as dead, Bonesplitter.” He turned and returned to the gang’s headquarters. He saw that a box had indeed been turned out. A bound and gagged man lay limply on the floor. The thugs had taken the opportunity to flee. Varien ungagged and unbound the man. “Oh, thank you!” the man babbled. Varien saw a strange amulet about the man’s neck – it was his only adornment, though it was obvious from marks on his fingers that he’d been relieved of much jewelry. His clothes looked to have been quite fine, though now dirty and reeking of sweat and dungeon. “What’s your story,” Varien asked. “Why are you down here!” The man stretched his legs and arms weakly. “My name is Thestus. Thestus Thongolir.” “Thestus, I’m Varien Aether,” Varien replied. “Lord Thestus, actually,” the man murmured, and then shook his head. “Forgive me, force of habit. I’ll excuse any impropriety on the part of my rescuer, believe you me.” The man’s name did not ring any of Varien’s bells. “And how did you come to be down here?” “I was kidnapped!” Thestus said. “From where?” Varien asked. “From my villa!” Thestus said. “This a Waterdhavian villa?” Varien asked. “You’re not from Waterdeep, then?” Thestus asked. “No, I’m from Lorelei.” “I don’t know where that is,” Thestus said. “Suffice to say I’m an important person, I was brought down here against my will, and imprisoned.” “Who kidnapped you?” Varien asked. Thestus shrugged. “I don’t know – it happened so suddenly. From what I could gather listening to that horrid creature-” Thestus gestured towards Bonesplitter’s office and then stopped as he caught a whiff from the sleeve of his robe. “Ugh! I can still smell him on me! How horrid! Anyway, I overheard these criminals talking about the Xanathar Guild and Galgath Shund, and other names I don’t know. I got the feeling that my time down here was running out.” “Well, you’re safe with me now,” Varien said, clapping the man on his shoulder. “And my friend Siegfried would kill me if I didn’t ask, so I’m asking: would you happen to know anything about the Ettin Axe of Uruth?” Lord Thestus shook his head. “No, unfortunately. I’m actually a sage of sorts, with a specialty in the Church of Shar, actually. A scholar, not a cleric, don’t mistake me. But my knowledge specializes in the liturgies and teachings of that faith, and not weapons and artifacts such as the one you seek.” “Church of Shar, eh?” Varien said. “I know what you’re thinking,” Lord Thestus said. “Does this automatically make me a bad guy? Look, I’m an expert in the practices of many faiths. Shar’s Church is merely the latest area of research. This is my first conversation with a sensible person in a tenday so forgive me for any overstepping.” Varien noted that the amulet about his neck was obviously magical. He got a whiff of divination magic from it. “I’ve read an evil book or two in my life, so I understand what you mean,” Varien said amicably. He looked over his shoulder at him. “Now, Thestus, I’m going to get you out of this, but you might not like it. Stay close.” He took note of the secret entrance leading south. “That’s where the thugs fled into,” Thestus said. “Indeed,” Varien said. A thought occurred to the paladin. “Tell you what, I might have a solution for this.” He fished around in his pocket for his portable hole and carefully opened it up on the floor. “Hop in there,” he said. “And you’ll be safe for a few minutes at least.” Thestus looked down into the hole. “Well, it’s more spacious than my most recent accommodation, so there’s that.” He took off his amulet and gave it to Varien. “They put this on me. I don’t wish to wear it anymore.” Then he climbed down into the hole. Varien pocketed the amulet and then folding up the portable hole. He ventured forward to find his companions.   “We should wait for Varien to join us,” Siegfried said to his gathered companions. “This looks like a good place to wait.” They were in a large, rectangular chamber lined with black marble tiles on its floors, walls, and ceiling. In the centre of the room lay a massive stone sarcophagus large enough to hold a full-grown ogre. The lid was carved to resemble a horror-stricken human male in fine robes pressing against the surface of the lid in a futile attempt to escape. “Yeah,” Alec said uneasily, looking at the sarcophagus. “A real good place.” Faintly, Bob and Siegfried could hear the sound of monstrous screaming and thrashing. To the south, Planetar-wen stood watching the mindcrawler devouring the brain of some sort of Ettin. “Nature sure is beautiful,” he said, a single angelic tear running down his face.