Absolutely ZERO idea how to play D&D. How do I start?

As the title says, I have absolutely no idea how to play D&D. I have friends, but none want to play it with me. So I have a simple question: how do I start? How can somebody like me learn how to play D&D with absolutely no inkling of an idea of how to play. I got the D&D 5E starter set, and I've skimmed over the instructions.

The starter set is certainly the place to start. Next would be to figure out when you'd be able to play and find a game that fits your time frame. Use the looking for group tool on the site here, and make sure you tick the "new players welcome" bit. Also, give the sticky a read in this forum about posting a looking for group post. Include all the information it asks you too.  You could also look on the forums here for what's called a One Shot. Some DMs like to run one shots to help new players get familiar with the game. 

Reading the rules works well for some, but as a more hands on learner I'd also recommend watching some of the D&D games that have been posted online, or as he said just getting your feet wet and jumping into a one shot. Many DMs on here are more than happy to introduce a new adventurer into the foray!