QUEST: (Enter the Barrowmaze) (08Apr2021) (Time Zones: 7PM AEDST/1AM PST/9AM GMT/12PM GMT +4/4AM EST) - FULL

Name Character Name Level / Race / Class Blake Balbrek Level 2 Goliath Fighter Ayla Sofia Longstride Level 2 Dhampir Paladin Dash Uthal "Sharpmind" Munakelo Level 2 Goliath Artificer Little E. Gravdigger Level 2 Firbolg Pale Master Soap Reginald Tealeaf Level 2 Halfling Treasure Holder Chris Isaa  Level 2 Halfling Monk Details:   Local legend talks of a vast series of mist-shrouded barrow mounds at the heart of the Ettinheights. Remnants of some long forgotten empire, this extensive network of burial mounds and tombs is rumoured to be so awash with wealth that only its vaunted undead guardians have kept it pilfered all these years. Bold adventurers wanting to strike it rich quick would do well to consider an expedition into the Ettinheights to plunder the riches of the long dead. Requirements : Level 1+, loose morals, quick hands for plundering, and apathy towards the dead In Game Start Date : 4 of Marpenoth

As long as it doesn't clash with Murdachs dilemma I'll sign up Aerfrey level 3 Wood elf Circle of the moon druid Scratch that I'll send my new character Sofia Longstride - Level 2 Dhampir Paladin 

Uthal "Sharpmind" Munakelo will tag along - Level 2 Goliath Artificer

Two more gets this one happening!

Sign up Gravedigger. Level 2 Firbolg Pale Master.

Sign up Gravedigger. Level 2 Firbolg Pale Master.

Loose morals? check Quick hands? checkity check Apathy? check! oh... to the dead? check yo'self!! Reginald Tealeaf, lvl 2 halfling "treasure holder" (rogue) at your service! (PP16, trained in survival (+4) and perception (+6) among other things)

I'd like to sign up Isaa, lvl 2 halfling monk, if possible

Isaa's Tale Isaa sits at the bar in the Stuck Pig, his face lighting up as Otto places a giant (for a halfling) pint tankard filled to the brim with chocolate milk.  "Thanks Mr. Otto!" he cries "I just got back from the Barrowmaze. We made so much money, it was awesome!" As Isaa continues to speak he begins to get carried away with his tale. His speech begins to speed up and he take less time to pause between sentences. "It's a creepy place to the northeast of here filled with old tombs. I set off a few days ago with that loveable scoundrel Reginald Tealeaf and that giant Goliath Balbrek and also the other Goliath Uthal . "I'll tell you what Mr. Otto,  Uthal sure is the smartest Goliath I've ever met he's got all sorts of tricks up his sleeve oh and we also went with a pale guy named Gravedigger. Did you know he carries around a spare arm with him thats better than his original arm he told me I could keep his old arm when he was done with it but when I tried to help him rip it off  it wouldn't come off and he said it wasn't ready to come off yet but he would definitely give it to me when he was done with it.  "And last but not least there was the Paladin Sofia she sure is pretty Mr. Otto whenever I look at her I get butterflies in my stomach but it's weird they're not like the happy butterflies I feel when I look at Gigi they're more like the nervous butterflies I get when I'm out in the wilderness and I know there's a wolf or a mountain lion stalking me what do you think that means Mr. Otto are the butterflies supposed to feel different when you get them from different girls? "But anyway so we headed off northeast and made camp that first night and then we got attacked by these freaky scarecrows and when I punched them it didn't really work the way I wanted it to but then someone figured out that the scarecrows didn't like fire and once we started using fire against them they didn't last much longer so once that was all done we went back to bed but a while after that I had to get up for my watch and then a skeleton horse came trotting up to our camp and kinda acted just like a normal horse so we tried to make friends with it but it didn't want to be friends with us so we just let it wander off I hope it ended up finding its owner it seemed a little lonely. "So anyway the next day with arrived at the barrows and we went up to the nearest barrow and some of the guys hammered down the door and when we went in there were these tombs and we found some old stuff that  Regi said was treasure and then suddenly we were attacked by skeletons so I attacked back and this time my blows worked really well on their brittle bones so I kept striking them until they were all down and then Gravedigger blew his magic whistle and one of the skeletons got back up but this time he was our friend and he helped us keep watch that night which was a good thing because some skinny dried up zombies attacked and the killed the skeleton again but then we killed them and went back to bed. "The next day we found a giant black pillar that was way bigger than the Harrowmere obelisks and Gravedigger said it had writing on it in the necromancer language and I bet everyone that I could climb to the top of the piller and they all said it was too high and that I'd fall so I said ok I won't do it but I'm still pretty sure I could have done it so then we went to another barrow and it ended up being the entrance to some underground tunnels called the Barrowmaze so we all thought 'yeah lets check this place out' and we walked through a few doors and then there was a Skeleton Minotaur charging Balbrek and Balbrek went down so we fought back but then it charged at Sofia and knocked her down too and we all started to get a bit worried but we kept at it and eventually we killed it and then Gravedigger got really excited and started poking around with its bones which I though was kind of weird but he's a necromancer afterall so he must know what he's doing.  "We were all getting pretty tired by that point so we decided to check one more room and inside that room was some zombies and when I struck one with my Bo Staff once again it didn't work how I wanted it to so I dropped my Bo and pulled out my shortsword and stabbed it and that seemed to work how I wanted it to so I kept stabbing at it with my shortsword and eventually we wore the zombie down until it was barely standing but it wouldn't go down and someone shouted that it had zombie fortitude or something and then Balbrek smashed it but it didn't go down so Uthal firebolted it but it didn't go down so Sofia slashed it but it didn't go down so Gravedigger hit it with his magic scythe but it didn't go down so Uthal firebolted it again and then it went down."  Isaa suddenly pauses as he seems to finally run out words. Picking up his milkshake he drains the entire tankard in one long draught and sighs with satisfaction.  "After that we'd had enough of the place so we came back to Hope and sold our treasure. Gravedigger said he wants to head out there again soon and I think I'll go with him. Hopefully his old arm will be ready to come off by then and he can give it to me like he promised. Anyway, thanks for the drink Mr. Otto! I'll see you tomorrow."

Love this!

I ran out of breath 2/3rds through!! Fucking hilarious :D

SoapBar said: I ran out of breath 2/3rds through!! Fucking hilarious :D Thanks Soap! It was fun to write :-)

Sofia Mission notes from Barrowmaze Expedition 1 Mission brief: Arriving in the frontier I was informed of a nest of undead at a location referred to as the Barrowmere North-East of the base of operations “Hope” The team gathered to explore this new territory, aside from yours truly included: . Two Goliaths Uthal and Balbrek. . Two halflings Isaa and Reginald - both at polar opposites in terms of physical activity. . A Firbolg called Gravedigger , whose motives for coming along this mission are questionable.   Day 1 – Day We barely left Hope’s borders for most of the morning, sadly our party lacks a sense of direction. We arrived at the edge of the Barrowmere by the afternoon. The land was misty and cold.   Day 1 -Night That evening I chatted with team mate Uthal, who claims to have a ‘sharpmind’. He doesn’t seem that sharp or humane for that manner. But each to their own, we are all out here for our own selfish purposes after all.  Aside from fulfilling my duties to the Lord of the Dead, I [REDACTED] to help aid my glorious crusade against those who have disregard for the holy transition from life and death. . Notable events: . Evening attack launched by two scarecrows – dispatched.                                 . A horse that appears undead approached the camp and [REDACTED]   Day 2 – Day and night We continued on the right path towards destination. Along the way a flesh golem staggered by and [REDACTED] Gravediggers charm failed to work and we [REDACTED]…the construct. In the afternoon the party encountered the first lot of barrows to be investigated. The closest one was sealed so it took great effort from Uthal to open the caved in entrance. Reginald acted as a foreman to this task. Minutes into entering, Gravedigger desecrated a corpse, which turned to undead! I smited this foe in the name of Kelemvor. It seems Gravediggers desecration knows no bounds as he animated a skeleton! I swiftly threatened him and [REDACTED] the skeleton was no more.   Day 3 – Day The first course of action was to head to a monolith to the north. The monolith is ancient with a stone skull at the top. Writing encircled the base of the structure written in the necromancer’s tongue. What an accursed thing to behold. We pressed on further still into the Barrowmaze – the largest Barrow of them all. Descending down a large hole with a pully inviting us to go down, lowering us deeper into the bowels of the Earth. A warning ‘Beware the great Minotaur’ was written on the walls as we began roaming the depths of this maze. Venturing around a long corridor Reginald lead the way. Alas the great minotaur found us before we found it. Its hulking skeletal figure came at us and took down Balbrek with one hit.  I lost conscious during combat. Later eyewitness reports state that Uthal revived me with his healing ‘shaker’ device. The foul minotaur was slain with no casualties. With one last ditch attempt to slaughter some more undead and [REDACTED] four zombies attacks, which proved easy work for this team. Before leaving we entered a room that contained severed hands that were wearing gloves fashioned with goats’ eyes and mouths – how revolting. It must be a part of some ritual of some sort. Report conclusion: Isaa downed during last encounter. Time to return to base. All team mates aside from the Firbolg are worthy allies.  

Hahahaha

Market Research New in town and looking fer a bit of coin, I check out the “adventurer” board. Gods these people are so fucking disorganised it looks like nobody ever bovvers with checking they have the right “skills” before they head out! What has happened to the good name of rogues here?? Don’t these people recognise the need for our special set of skills? Who is opening stubborn locks? Or checking for nasty surprises? Ol’ Reggie spots an opportunity here! But first, time for some market research! I’ve joined a ragtag group heading out for somewhere called the “Barrowmaze”. There’s a couple of Goliath types but they couldn’t be more different… Balbrek is probably the self-styled “leader” and looks handy with a blade (although I’m not convinced there’s much going on upstairs if you know what I mean?). Then there’s Sharpmind who looks to have a gadget/idea for every scenario (might be worth getting to know them for some of those fancy gadgets). Sofia seems like someone not to trifle with… in my experience though, these holy types end up being some of the best customers for my type of skills. I’ll just need to demonstrate my usefulness to her! No idea what Gravedigger ’s deal is. He seems a little off to me, but we’ll see I guess! Finally, we have someone of actual value. I always say “If you can’t work with other rogues, work with other Halflings” and Isaa seems a perfect travelling companion - even if he is a little excitable. Interesting developments on our first night. Attacked by a couple of “scarecrows”, the team kept into action and swiftly dealt with the threat. We saw some sort of spectral horse but left it alone… seems people are happy to apply a bit of brains instead of just relying on brawn - this is a good sign! I spoke too soon… arriving at the first Barrow, it turns out I was the only one who thought to bring tools! This is exactly what I’m talking about, these people are in desperate need of a good “guild” to help make sure they are suitably prepared when they head out!   Anyway, after several hours digging (with my one shovel…), we final gained entry. Time for Ol’ Reggie to shine! I snuck down and scouted ahead. Seeing some decent loot, I pointed it out but before I could caution them, Gravedigger had got all “touchy” and triggered undead things to attack us. I was suddenly exactly where I don’t want to be!! Up front and facing the nasty!!! Luckily Sofia and Isaa were on hand to ensure I wasn’t a focus!! Gravedigger did make up for his touching by animating one of the fallen creatures and setting it on watch. (Note - Sofia did NOT seem happy with this!). As we rested up in the Barrow, more zombies attacked and Gravedigger ’s “friend” helped before it was destroyed - I was much happier where I belonged (in the rear with the gear)! Morning finally came and tensions seemed to ease. We found our way to the monolith. Clearly this thing is bad news but it wouldn’t be work without a little danger/warnings… just gotta watch our step! We found an already disturbed Barrow. It looks like people have been here before us, so I wonder how much loot will be left. Either they took it, or they died… neither sounds like a good deal to me but the group wanted to check it out, so I guess it’s time to earn my pay! Sneaking forward, I tried not to flinch every time one of the others made a noise… I guess it’s a little reassuring at times to know they are still there! Spotted a warning about a Minotaur and sure enough, a few minutes later we came across a skeletal Minotaur figure. Or rather it came across us! Catching us by surprise, it knocked down Balbrek and then Sofia before the others figured out they needed to get close to it to stop it charging! Sharpmind has a clever way of helping revive people as he “shook” them awake… fascinating!! With a door seeming very inviting, I checked it and opened to reveal a bunch of zombies… we had them pretty well contained with a bottleneck at the door so I was able to pick and choose which targets to stab at and it wasn’t long before we’d dealt with them. Balbrek and Sofia standing firm while Sharpmind threw fire. Gravedigger seems to have some sort of magical blade but he also spent time fawning over them, I guess it’s lucky Sofia didn’t notice! Despite the success, poor Isaa took a whack that knocked him out briefly.   Zombies dealt with, we did manage to find some treasure and that seemed a sensible point to head home! Pretty successful trip. I’ve no idea if this is the “standard” of adventurers I’ll find out here but I think it’s clear that they need my services!! I need to do a bit more digging around until I find the other rogue elements here. There’s no way this town doesn’t support a bunch of shady types… I need to keep my eyes open and work out which ones to approach about joining forces. Based on the lack of organisation, I reckon we could make a pretty penny with some “organised” services!