Comin' Round the Mountain

The roiling mass of snow, ice and rock tumbled down the slope, dashing against the steep walls of the ridge, dislodging more debris and sending castle-sized chunks of ice calving off the mountain to be ground up in the advancing maelstrom. Varien had seen more than one avalanche in the mountains and glaciers of the Frozenfar, and instinctively knew what to do – get to high ground, and fast. Using his boots of striding and springing, he leapt aboard the train and immediately cast fly on himself and his closest companions – Alec and Siegfried. Siegfried grinned as he felt himself freed from the bonds of gravity. He turned and made as if to grab the train’s engineer. The gnome elbowed him fiercely. “Hands off, longlegs!” she chirped. “Yes, of course, pardon my forwardness,” Siegfried said as he pointed up the slope. “But there’s danger quickly approaching, and-” “I know!” the engineer said as she grabbed a hose with a horn-shaped opening at one end. She spoke into the horn, which amplified her voice outside the train. “Lock down and ratchet up, boys! We need to get to high ground! Prepare the emergency decoupling contingency!” Bob, still flying above the mountainside, swooped down to where Theryn was standing. “Need a lift?” he asked. Theryn looked at the approaching wall of snow, and then down the mountain slope, and back to Bob. “Let’s go.” Bob grabbed him and took to the air. Suddenly he heard the voice in his head again. Protect my children… How? Be specific, please! Bob thought back. His mental annoyance was suddenly overpowered by the hidden voice’s annoyance. The gnomes, save the gnomes! I see you need further instruction… The voice trailed off, and Bob suddenly felt very strange, as though his insides were heating up. His lungs felt like they were aflame, and his throat filled with the taste of molten gold. Bob changed course and flew directly towards the approaching avalanche. “It’s said that beggars cannot be choosers,” Theryn said, holding on for dear life, “but shouldn’t we be heading away from the danger?” His eyes shining like gold pieces, Bob opened his mouth and expelled a cone of white-hot fire that burrowed straight into the leading edge of the avalanche, melting ice and snow and turning it to steam in a split-second. The cone of flame split the avalanche into two divergent streams that bashed up against the ridgelines but left a pocket of boiling water in the centre of the massive landslide. Theryn cringed as the heat singed him. “I knew you were going to do that!” he shouted, coughing at the smoke pouring from Bob’s mouth and nose. Alec slung the unconscious dwarf over his shoulder and looked up at his brother with a mixture of pride and fear in his eyes. Then he set the dwarf back down and fly up to meet his brother in the air. He could feel the heat radiating from his brother and saw the flames gushing from his mouth.   “Hey Theryn, need a lift?” Alec asked as he drew up next to him. Theryn reached out and grabbed onto Alec. They moved a discreet distance away from Bob, who was stock-still, floating above the avalanche, flames carving a refuge into the ice and snow. It was Siegfried’s turn to shoulder the trussed-up dwarven raider. He turned about and spied the body of the gnome caravan guard further up the slope, where he had fallen beneath a flurry of dwarven hammers. Siegfried made a decision. He flew over to where the corpse lay in the snow and picked the body up. Now burdened by two dead weights, he struggled to get airborne again. When he did so, he sent a healing word towards the remaining gnome guard on the roof the armored carriage. He set down the body gently, and then flew back to his position at the head of the train, rolling the dwarf onto the coal car. “Anything I can do to help, Captain?” Siegfried asked. “Captain nothing, I’m the Shop Steward and Boiler Boss on this run!” the gnome engineer said. “Just keep clear while I work, and if we don’t make it, get ready to jump.” Varien, hovering nearby, shrugged. Erwen felt the rumbling of the approaching avalanche through the soles of his hairy feet and knew he wanted to be anywhere but in the looming shadow of icy death. He wildshaped into the form of a giant eagle and shot skyward. The advancing avalanche buried the headless corpse of the frost giant, erasing any sign of the huge creature. The Boiler Boss pulled more levers and spun some dials. “Get ready to lose the caboose if we have to!” she shouted into the horn. Turning to her companion, she said “Uncle Nackle, get on the grapnel gun!” The aged gnome’s whiskers twitched as he saluted. Scrambling onto the cab of the train engine, he kicked a foot plate and a section of the paneling slid away, revealing a cannon-like contraption with something like a harpoon fitted into the barrel. As the grapnel gun swung up, the gnome used an x-shaped targeting sight, lined up a shot, and fired. There was a hiss of pressurized steam as the harpoon launched out, a twisted cable spooling out after it. The harpoon buried itself into the rock face with a pinging sound, and the gunner hit the brakes on the cable winch and began ratcheting the cable taut with an oversized wrench. “Everybody hold on!” the Boiler Boss shouted. The overhead crane carried a section of track to the front of the train, where the two tethered tinkers began quickly disassembling it into smaller sections which they fashioned into a curve. Then the crane plunked the curved section to the ground, where the tinkers secured it with pitons and hammers. There was a clanking sound as the train’s central cog engaged with the curved track, and the entire caravan began to shudder as the lead train began to execute a painfully slow turn towards the steep ridge to the west. In the armored caboose, Varien watched as a gnome guard exited a dorsal hatch and scrambled back onto the second-last car in the train. The other guard had engaged some sort of bear-trap like overshoes on his boots that clamped down on a rail that ran down the centre of the caravan roof. He turned to watch Bob who was still breathing fire down onto the approaching avalanche. “Two can play that game,” he said, and flew towards it. Siegfried looked up as Varien began to recite an incantation, his hands sweeping through the somatic motions of a wall of fire spell. Siegfried’s eyes widened. “Don’t you dare!” he shouted. “What?” Varien shouted back. Siegfried pointed at Alec hovering near Bob. “You do that and both you and Alec will drop like stones!” “Oh shoot, you’re right!” Varien said sheepishly. He waved apologetically. Siegfried clapped a hand to his forehead. Varien flew down to where the dead gnome lay on the roof of the carriage. “I’m sorry,” he said to the guard standing nearby. “We did all we could.” “The mountains are dangerous,” the gnome said gravely. “We knew that when we signed up.” Birdwen circled overhead. Varien looked at the body of the gnome and thought for a few seconds. He turned to the guard. “Wait a minute, what kind of operation is this?” He asked. “Do you have any diamonds on board?” “Diamonds?” the guard said, shifting uneasily. “He’s a holy man, who can raise your comrade from the dead!” Siegfried shouted from the train cab. “Are you miners?” Varien pressed. The guard shot another uneasy glance at his companion near the caboose. “Who wants to gnome?” Varien sighed. “We’re not looking to rob you – if we were, we’d have let the dwarves do the hard work and then swooped in afterward. We’re looking to revive your fallen friend here!” “We’ll have to clear it with the Shop Steward,” one of the gnomes said. “We’re union, you know.” “Now’s not the time for a discussion about labour economics!” Varien said, in high dudgeon. “Your friend’s life hangs in the balance!” “All we’re saying is we’d have to clear it with the Shop Steward,” the second gnome said. “What I’m saying is, is that you’ve run out of time,” Varien said contemptuously, taking to the air. “Scab!” one of the gnomes shouted after him. Siegfried turned to the Boiler Boss. “Pardon me, but would one of you happen to have 300 gold pieces’ worth of diamonds on board?” “Now’s really not the time, tallboy!” the Boiler Boss shouted as the train lurched forward. “Time is of the essence, actually,” Siegfried said. “My companion has the ability to revive your deceased employee. Is his life and labour not worth 300 gold to you?” “Hmmm,” the Boiler Boss scratched her chin. “It’s going to eat into our margin, y’know.” Siegfried put on his most persuasive face. Normal 0 false false false EN-CA ZH-CN X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} The Boiler Boss sighed. “Uncle Nackle!” she shouted out the train cab’s window. “Get this man some shinies!”

Uncle Nackle scrambled back into the train cab and grabbed a shovel, turning aside heaps of coal until he uncovered a soot-blackened safe. Making a big show of hiding the combination from Siegfried, the gnome operated the complicated locking mechanism and pulled out a small briefcase. Popping the lid, he withdrew a diamond and a scroll of parchment. He turned to Siegfried. “I’ma need you to sign for this,” he said. Siegfried smiled magnanimously. “Of course,” he took the proffered quill and quickly signed the name Narvos Heg. “All right, by the power invested in me by the Fraternal Order of Colliers, Locomotors, and Locksmiths, I hereby notarize this requisition form,” Nackle said, stamping the form. “Mr., ah,” he eyed the form, squinting. “Heg.” “Quite so, and I would be happy to give you the address of my estate in Neverwinter where you can bill me for this gem,” Siegfried said. Nackle frowned. “Uh, we’re more of a cash and carry operations here, Mr. Heg.” It was Siegfried’s turn to frown. “Am I to understand that you wish to charge me directly for the service that my companion is willing to perform out of the goodness of his heart?” he said. “How incredibly crude and wrong-headed! Are you that cold-hearted and high-handed towards those who would offer you assistance?” “This is a business transaction, buddy,” Nackle said. “Don’t make it personal.” “What’s going on?” Varien said as he floated next to the train. “They’re trying to charge us for the service of reviving their fallen friend,” Siegfried said. He turned back to the gnome and glared. “Although ‘friend’ isn’t really the right word to use.” “What?” Varien said, aghast. “If anything, we should be charging them!” “Too right,” Siegfried agreed. To Nackle he said. “This resurrection sir is being done pro bono, but we would be well within our rights to ask that you pay for the pleasure of our service.” “We expect to be compensated for the use of materials in all rituals, public or private,” Nackle countered. “You want us to pay you 300 gold?” Varien said. “Preposterous!” “This form has been notarized and authorized,” Nackle continued. “I’m afraid Mr. Heg here should have read the fine print before signing.” “Ah, but unfortunately I am not, in fact, Mr. Narvos Heg at all,” Siegfried said, tossing the diamond to Varien. “Fraud!” Nackle blurted, his face going read. “Misappropriation of the public trust and public goods!” Birdwen, circling high above the train, thought he saw something on a nearby mountain peak, but it was gone before he could take a closer look. Varien quickly flew back to the carriage and knelt next to the fallen gnome, anointing him with evergold as he quickly carried out the revivification ritual. The diamond glowed brightly and dissolved into the corpse. The gnome’s body twitched and then the humanoid groaned as he came to. “Rise, my friend,” Varien said gently, helping the gnome to sit up. “You’ve been saved.” “Thank the Unseen Protector!” the gnome moaned. “Well, you could thank me and Sune too while you’re at it, but I appreciate the sentiment,” Varien said. The two standing gnome guards looked at each other. “There goes our profit margin.” “There’s no profit margin in the afterlife,” Varien scoffed. “Your friend’s debt is now in the afterlife.” Back in the train car, Siegfried and Nackle continued to argue. “You can’t back out of our deal!” Nackle was saying. “I notarized the form!” Varien flew in and stood next to Siegfried. “What’s this about a form?” Siegfried plucked the form out of Nackle’s clutching hands and handed it to Varien. Varien read the scroll. “What does this form actually mean, and why has Narvos Heg signed it?” “I certainly can’t be expected to pay,” Siegfried said dismissively. “This is workplace harassment!” Nackle bellowed. “There’s going to have to be a hearing!” Varien slowly tore the requisition form in two. “Vandalism!” Nackle screeched. “Destruction of union property! Malfeasance!” Siegfried chuckled. “If you draw up a form that indicates that your gems were stolen in a robbery, I would happily witness it for you.” Nackle’s eyes widened. “That…that would be embezzlement! A fraudulent insurance claim like that would get me blacklisted or worse!” “Then cheer up, friend,” Varien said, handing the torn form back to Nackle. “Sune has blessed you today with the revival of your fallen comrade. You’re welcome.” Nackle looked down at the two halves of the document with an expression that was near tears. “It ain’t right,” he said softly. “It ain’t proper.” “Uncle Nackle,” the Boiler Boss said sharply. “Get ahold of yourself. We’re not out of this yet.” “What can we do to help?” Varien asked. “Keeping quiet so I can do my work would be a good start,” the gnome said. Siegfried nodded and backed off, flying towards Bob. He passed Alec, who was carrying Theryn back to the train. Just as Siegfried reached Bob, the sorcerer suddenly went limp. Siegfried lunged for his companion and caught him before he could disappear beneath the ice and snow that tumbled down the mountain slope. The channel cut by Bob’s flames iced over and was soon buried by the advancing avalanche. Grabbing Bob, Siegfried cast dimension door and emerged from the portal atop the boiler of the train engine. He set Bob’s body down and checked for vital signs. Bob was breathing, smoke still trailing from his nostrils, and was mumbling something in a language that Siegfried guessed was Draconic. “Calling Doctor Aether!” Siegfried shouted. “This Trevelyan would no doubt appreciate the laying on of hands!” The train shuddered and slewed sideways as the leading edge of the avalanche connected with the caboose. The gnome guards yelped as their boot-locks were the only things keeping them from being pitched over into the maelstrom. “Come on,” the Boiler Boss hissed through gritted teeth. “Just a few more yards!” The rear guard got down on his hands and knees, ready to decouple the armored caboose if necessary. There was a grinding sound as chunks of ice and rocks dented the caboose’s armor. The train lurched forward as it continued to lay its own track up the steep rocky ridge. Alec dropped Theryn off on the train. The monk looked about and decided that he would like to get out of the cold. He squatted before a dorsal hatch on the armored carriage and started to turn the wheel. The gnome guard cocked his thunder cannon. “And where do you think you’re going?” “Somewhere warmer,” Theryn replied. “You go down there and you’ll be a lot colder if you know what I mean,” The gnome snapped. Theryn stood up to his full height and swung his quarterstaff in a lazy arc. “Go on, please tell me more,” he said, stepping towards the gnome. The guard held his ground. “It’s a restricted area, is all,” he said. “How about you point me towards an unrestricted area?” Theryn asked. “Does that sound good to you?”   “Mouthy longlegs,” the gnome muttered. “You’d better settle down,” Theryn said, looming over the gnome. “Or I’ll come down there and settle you down.” “Maybe you want to do that when we’re out of danger, eh?” the guard said. “That’s the whole point,” Theryn said. “We’re just going to hang out here in the cold breeze then?” “Just because you didn’t dress for the weather…” the guard said. “You’re stepping on thin ice,” Theryn said. “You can still fall through.” “Try the engine room if you want to get warmer,” the gnome jerked a thumb over his shoulder towards the train engine. “Thank you,” Theryn said. “Was that so hard?” “Apparently,” the gnome grumbled. Theryn gave the gnome a playful tap with the end of his quarterstaff as he passed by. The gnome glared after him. Theryn sat down atop the coal car and began to meditate. Siegfried cast a healing word on Bob. The sorcerer’s colour improved but he did not wake up. He continued to mumble in a foreign tongue. Birdwen, circling above the train, caught sight of the anomalous dark impression against the white snow of the mountain. With a curt beaky nod, he struck out towards it. The object darted back out of sight. Varien looked up and saw Birden’s rapid course correction. He jumped up into the air and followed the wildshaped druid back up the mountain. The gnome guards slowly worked their way back up the train, their boot locks engaging with each step. There was another crashing sound as more snow threatened to overwhelm the caboose. The Boiler Boss sent more steam to the train’s pistons. “Come on, come on.” Siegfried secured Bob’s body to the train engine and poked his head in the armored cab. “You can do it! I believe in you!” he encouraged the engineer. “I think I can, I think I can,” the engineer said. Uncle Nackle took up the phrase, and soon all the gnomes were shouting it. As Siegfried flew back up to tend to Bob, he noticed the flowery script painted on the side of the train’s boiler, in both Common and what he assumed was Gnomish. The train was called The Tinker’s Damn. Siegfried nodded, impressed. There was a final lurch and the caboose was pulled free of the avalanche. There was a clockwork clanking sound as the train lunged forward another track length, and then with the hit of a button, the Boiler Boss sent a number of hydraulic pitons thrusting into the ground on either side of the train, anchoring it in place. The rumbling of the avalanche continued behind them, but the train was free and clear. The gnomes began to sing: Stoke the boiler Grease the cogs Down the Mountain is no slog Slow and steady Lay the track Up the slopes with Pinion and Rack! Then they burst into cheers and applause. The Boiler Boss pulled several brake levers with hesitancy, not wanting to let go of them for fear of losing traction. Then, satisfied, she did so, and pulled off her heavy work gloves. Climbing up onto the roof of the train engine, she introduced herself to Siegfried. “My name is Charella Mottinsleeves, of the Fraternal Order of Colliers, Locomotors, and Locksmiths. I’m shop steward and boiler boss on this run. You have our deepest thanks for your assistance.” Siegfried bowed slightly. “Siegfried Alagondar, friend of the Heroes of Phandalin,” he said, indicating his companions. “Glad to have helped you.” Charella smiled. Siegfried yanked on the hellfire chain and pulled the dwarf into view. “And this one will be happy to tell us everything we want to know about his activities, won’t you, Shaun the Sheep?” He kicked the groggy dwarf, who started angrily. “I’ll be a cold day on the mountainside before I tell you anything, ya green-skinned abomination!” he roared defiantly. “Cold, you say?” Siegfried said, brandishing his axe. “Yes, you will find it very cold indeed, without that magnificent beard of yours. I daresay it’s time for a trim, and I daresay I’m the one who’ll be trimming.” The dwarf’s eyes widened in shock, fear and dismay. “No, not that!” he cried. “Anything but that!”